TRIGGER WARNING!!!*** What Life Was Like

For Eating Disorder Awareness Month I wanted to share one of my past writings that will hopefully remind individuals who have struggled with an eating disorder of the hell it was and show individuals who don't know what it was like, what the experience is like. Please do not continue reading if you are currently struggling in your eating disorder or early in your recovery...this could be extremely triggering and unless you are in a good place, it will NOT be beneficial.

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When people say they wish they had an eating disorder, do they really wish for the hell that I suffered from? Do they really wish for the daily torture that I put myself through? If they really understood would they want the consequences that come along with the weight loss? When I say that I "want" to go back...to lose weight, or to numb out, do I REALLY want to choose such a demonizing existence?

Let's remember what it is like to live in an eating disordered world for a few minutes...

The hollowness of her eyes, the black holes that consume the once blue lit beauties. The frown that replaces the pearly white smile that used to warm others with its presence. Her collarbones are protruding from her chest like piercing arrows. Her skeletal features are haunting; the ghostly white and sheer thinness of her skin is sickening. Her head consumes her body. It's over-proportionate size is almost alien-esque. Her body is frail and worn. Her shoulders are hunched and her shoulder blades are like sharp razors ready to slice and attack any predator that presents any threat to her being. This flat-chested little girl has stringy arms that hang loosely by her side and seem to dangle much too long for her strangly body. Her elbows and hands seems clown like, they are so large. Her stomach is flat and her hip bones stick out from above her sweat pants that hang loosely from her body. You can number her chest bones above her breasts. Her knuckles and feet are reddened from lack of nutrients and her skin is graying. Her butt is non-existent, as it was hardly existent before, and you can see each knot on her back as she bends over, each bone, each vertebrae...

This is only the beginning...the appearance of an eating disorder...

Her day is consumed of busyness. Preparation and avoidance. Lying and fears. She sleeps horribly. For there is no sound sleeping with an eating disorder...she is starving and her body wakes her up frequently to remind her of the fact throughout the night, though she would never admit to it. She claims insomnia. She sleeps as long as possible and finally decides to get out of bed to get started on her morning routine. She slowly rises from bed, so as not to collapse or pass out. She takes a hot shower, though it can't get hot enough as she shivers from the extreme cold. She avoids all contact with her roommate so as not to trigger her as she gets dressed trying to wear clothes that will not reveal her body. She goes downstairs and gets her mountain dew. It is Monday morning. The fast starts on Sundays and lasts till Thursdays. She drinks diet mountain dew in the morning because it is citrus-y and wakes her up. Diet cokes are saved for the afternoon meals. She takes her meds with her diet mountain dew hoping she will not vomit them back up as she often does, while she walks the three flights of stairs to her class. She drives to school and walks to class. After class she is allowed her diet coke. Again it is a non-eating day. She has a schedule and she MUST stick to it! She does her homework and cleans obsessively, bleaching everything. She sits in her sun-room trying to warm up while doing some art work later in the afternoon. This schedule repeats itself until Thursday in which case she is allowed a turkey sandwich and an ensure for lunch. On Friday she is allowed one large meal out with friends. On Saturday she may have one large meal and one small meal. And Sunday, one medium sized meal until 3pm, and then she cannot eat again until lunch time on Thursday. The cycle continues week after week as she continues to kill herself.

DISCLAIMER:  This hell WILL cause rapid weight loss, but will also cause rapid brain loss, rapid friend loss, rapid family loss, rapid spiritual attacks, high anxiety, pain, tiredness, fainting, vomiting, sadness, isolation, depression, loss of job, school, or commitment, loss of leadership position and/or status, and loss of pride. Please proceed with extreme caution!

Then, the blue eyes filled with tears, many times over and the small mouth filled with food many times over. 100 pounds later...

The double chin and puffy red cheeks of a once normal sized beautiful tanned face. Long blonde hair trying to cover up the excess fat that exists but doesn't fool a single person. Flabby arms that wave while she moves her arms about trying to escape her painful existence. You cannot see a single bone in her body. Her breasts are large, with cleavage that is attractive to men and judged by women. She is considered obese. Her stomach is the biggest part of her. She feels inflexible most of the time. Full and fat. She still has a small butt, but her thighs and legs are much larger. She has extreme stretch marks from the rapid weight gain. She hides herself...she is indeed ashamed. She feels stuck and helpless most times. Scared to go back to the hollow-eyed frowner...but right now, even more scared of herself...

Her days are consumed loneliness, sadness, isolation, lies, manipulation, and hiding. These days are different than before. She hides just the same, and lies just the same. More food is consumed. More money is wasted. More drains are clogged. These days are much more inconsistent than before. There are days of restriction, bingeing, overeating, purging, and normal eating. Most days begin with overeating on sweets and go hay-wire from there. She eats out much too often and eats ice-cream almost daily. She hides her overeating and lies to herself about it. She thinks that she is protecting herself from an eating disorder, but the truth is, she has an eating disorder just the same. She isolates due to her uncomfortableness in her body. She is lonely and afraid.

DISCLAIMER:  This hell WILL cause inconsistency within your body and likely cause weight gain. Your body will learn not to trust you and it will take a long time for it to begin to trust you again...though it is possible!

THERE IS HOPE!!!!!!!

Currently...she is working on regaining her life. She is slowly trying to live a healthy life by LISTENING to her body. She gives it nutrition when it needs it, exercise when it wants it, and self-care often throughout the week. This is a long process and she is no where near the end, but she has hope because God is giving her the strength to care for the creation that He has created! (this is not done alone, but with the help of a dietician, 2 therapists, parents, sibling, mentors, and friends. also it has taken a lot of trauma therapy to get to where this is truly possible)