So, tonight as I sit here, I look back at all that I have accomplished over this past year. I look at all the strength it took for me to get to where I am today. I look at the pain that is still lingering to this day. I look at the lonliness that still exists. I wonder if the pain and lonliness will ever really go away? I look at the friends I've made over the last year. The friends I've 'lost.' The friends I've reconciled with. The ones who weren't really friends to begin with. It's tough. This thing they call life.
Each day I am faced with the decision to return to my 'old life.' The life that was not really a life at all. The life that was numb and void of all emotions. This weekend, I've spent a lot of time alone. It has made me question going back. It is a scary place to be. To be considering such a deadly decision, to return to my past. I wonder why it is this consideration even entered my head to begin with. I know that I've been lonely. I know that I've had terrible body image lately. I know that I've been working through some hard stuff. I know that God is really working on my heart. I guess it's probably the whole of all of those things. It makes me question whether the pain of being molded into who God created me to be is worth it or not? It hurts. God is poking and prodding at me. Pounding and scraping. Smoothing and forming. But when I ask myself that question of 'is it worth it?' I always answer with a 'YES.' I seem to know, under all the pain and uncomfortableness that it is certainly worth it in the end.
I guess knowing that this is all worth it, leads me to the conclusion that, no I will NOT go back to my old way of life...but it is still a huge fear in my mind. I guess if I could be so bold to ask, I would ask for prayer that God reminds me of the hell that my old life brought with it, and the joy that my new life will bring with it.
