Remember when it didn’t matter how much you weighed or what you wore or even what you did or said? I want to go back to those days. I hardly remember them. I know I had a good childhood. It may have been stolen from me prematurely, but before that time, it was good. I was innocent. Not broken like I am now. I was whole and confident and beautiful and radiant.
Back when I was innocent…I loved playing with my dolls.
Back when things were easy…I loved playing poor people and orphanage. (Little did I know I would one day become a social worker ;))
Back when it didn’t matter…I would dress as a tomboy, play sports, and get dirty.
Back when I had no fear…I had best friends that were boys.
Back when I was full of joy…I laughed uncontrollably at myself and others.
Back when I was brave…I took chances, even if it meant I might fail.
Back when I was confident…I would speak my mind assertively, in peace.
Back when I was pure…I would hug and kiss my parents without reserve.
Back when things were easy…I loved playing poor people and orphanage. (Little did I know I would one day become a social worker ;))
Back when it didn’t matter…I would dress as a tomboy, play sports, and get dirty.
Back when I had no fear…I had best friends that were boys.
Back when I was full of joy…I laughed uncontrollably at myself and others.
Back when I was brave…I took chances, even if it meant I might fail.
Back when I was confident…I would speak my mind assertively, in peace.
Back when I was pure…I would hug and kiss my parents without reserve.
Back when life was simple…I would cry, laugh, and sing like no one was listening.
I can't remember an exact moment that things changed; but they did. I stopped caring about others and cared more about myself. I started worrying about if I was 'cool.' I started planning what I would wear the night before. I started thinking about the words that were going to come out of my mouth and how they might be perceived. I believe this happened around 4th and 5th grade; at the time my innocence was stolen from me by an older boy. I started to hide my true emotions. I didn’t cry like I used to. I didn’t laugh like I used to. I didn’t sing like I used to. I started wishing that I didn't exist. I started to try to earn others' approval. I tried to lose weight; to lose myself; to lose my body; to disappear. I exercised to numb my pain. I aimed for perfection to earn my salvation. I lost myself.
Now, I'm more mature. I'm older. I'm not innocent anymore. In fact, I'm guilty on many accounts. I've failed over a million times. I'm self-conscious. I'm shy. I'm self-absorbed. I'm fearful. I'm ashamed. I'm unworthy and sinful. BUT you know what the good news in this whole story is? That's right!!!! THERE IS A SAVIOR! His Name is Jesus Christ. He has taken my sins, and fears, and guilt, and shame, and failures! He says that "I am set free from sin and have become a slave to righteousness." Where my sin increased, His Grace increased all the more! How blessed am I to get to call Jesus, not only my God or my Redeemer, but my Daddy, my Friend. Thank You Jesus for dying on the cross so that I don't have to bear the weight of my own sins. Thank You for freeing me. Thank You for Your Presence. Thank You for You! Please help me to believe Your Truth; the Truth that I am set free; the Truth that I am forgiven.
love always,
liann
