Fear, Pride, and Shame

Why is asking for help like the hardest thing to do? Is it because our help (should) come from the Lord alone? Is it an issue of pride? Do we feel that we don't deserve it? What is it?

For me it is a combination of all of these things. First of all, I think if the Bible says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," then I have to do it alone with Christ. Secondly, I help others, they don't help me. Third, it will make me look bad, because I am suppossed to be perfect. Also, the problem I need help for is always probably my own fault so I should be able to get myself out. I've also used up all of my help in the past so I can't burden anyone else.

All of these thoughts flood my head when I recognize I a struggle in my life. And you know what they are? LIES!!! Lies from the enemy. Some of them were fed to me through past relationships and failures and insecurities. They are all lies that the enemy is using to keep me "stuck."

You see, "stuck" is where I remain when I can't ask for help. I try and I try. And I fail and I fail. I'm like Paul in Romans when he says, "For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing."

The feelings I have toward asking others for help directly relate to asking God for help. Funny how we can feel so intimidated by God and feel like we've somehow "used up" all the help we deserve from Him. I stand faithless and fearful before God in complete need of Him. Instead of shaking with fear I need to listen to the psalmist when they say, "Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of You, 'Seek His face!' Your face, Lord, I will seek. Do not hide Your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior."

And after my prayer I must let go and have the faith of the psalmist in Psalm 31:1-5 "In You, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in Your righteousness. Turn Your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since You are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of Your name lead and guide me. Free me from the trap that is set for me, for You are my refuge. Into Your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O Lord, the God of Truth."

And what will happen? Well Gods Word says in Psalm 34:4-6 "I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; He saved him out of all his troubles."

So instead of sitting here shaking in fear and shame, I will reach out to both God and others and seek the help that I am needing in my time of weakness. Goodbye pride, goodbye shame, goodbye fear. :)

Old Life? New Life? That is the Question...

So life's been tough lately...

A lot of transitions and fears. New experiences...which cause lots of anxiety for me. The other day I was wondering, "How did I deal with life before?" "How did I make it through this anxiety and come out on the other side okay?" And then I remembered...my old life. It was a little bit easier in some ways, but hell in others. It was a lonely place in which I had no cares about anyone other than Ed. I hated myself and others. I loved him though. He kept me safe. Or what I thought was safe.

Being completely honest right now, I'll admit, I wanted to go back the other day. I wanted that life again. I knew that my anxiety would immediately be relieved. I knew that I would sink into such a numb state that nothing would bother me. But instead, I chose another way. I chose the new way, not the old.

I was so scared about going to a church event because I would know no one and would have to meet new people. I mean seriously, how scary can people be? But in my mind at that time, it was the scariest thing ever. I bawled for about an hour as I thought about even the possibility of going. I texted a few friends and they encouraged me to go. One friend said, "sometimes facing your fear is better than just staying there and overthinking it." So I got up and got ready to leave. I was still crying and thinking, "How can I go to an event while I'm crying, this is awful." But I walked my butt out that door and got in the car.

I drove there and I did it. I went. I met a few new people, mostly freshman. I was scared out of my mind but I repeated in my head, "I am safe, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," over and over and over. It wasn't the most fun I've had in my life. I don't know if I'd choose to go to that same thing again, BUT what I do know is that my God is bigger and He gave me the strength to go and He protected me as I went.

So now, empowerment is what is keeping me going. I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me. CHRIST is the ONE who strengthens me! I'm still scared. At times I still want to go back, but I know that I will not because Christ lives in me and He knows better than to go back. I am made new through Him, which means, NO MORE OLD LIFE! I will feel my fear and do it anyways!

I haven't done perfect since then. In fact I've slipped once or twice, BUT I'm still doing it. I got back up after my slip and continued walking. One foot in front of the other. When I freeze in fear and stand still, contemplating whether to turn around and run or to keep walking forward, I will look to the Lord. My Abba Daddy will tell me what to do. I know He will gently place His hands around me and guide me forward. This first day of my internship has been tiring, but I've been taking care of myself and will continue to do so in these new situations because...

"I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME!"

Bucket List!

COMPLETED AN ITEM ON MY BUCKET LIST...SWIM ACROSS AN ENTIRE LAKE!!! YAY!!!