Old Life? New Life? That is the Question...

So life's been tough lately...

A lot of transitions and fears. New experiences...which cause lots of anxiety for me. The other day I was wondering, "How did I deal with life before?" "How did I make it through this anxiety and come out on the other side okay?" And then I remembered...my old life. It was a little bit easier in some ways, but hell in others. It was a lonely place in which I had no cares about anyone other than Ed. I hated myself and others. I loved him though. He kept me safe. Or what I thought was safe.

Being completely honest right now, I'll admit, I wanted to go back the other day. I wanted that life again. I knew that my anxiety would immediately be relieved. I knew that I would sink into such a numb state that nothing would bother me. But instead, I chose another way. I chose the new way, not the old.

I was so scared about going to a church event because I would know no one and would have to meet new people. I mean seriously, how scary can people be? But in my mind at that time, it was the scariest thing ever. I bawled for about an hour as I thought about even the possibility of going. I texted a few friends and they encouraged me to go. One friend said, "sometimes facing your fear is better than just staying there and overthinking it." So I got up and got ready to leave. I was still crying and thinking, "How can I go to an event while I'm crying, this is awful." But I walked my butt out that door and got in the car.

I drove there and I did it. I went. I met a few new people, mostly freshman. I was scared out of my mind but I repeated in my head, "I am safe, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," over and over and over. It wasn't the most fun I've had in my life. I don't know if I'd choose to go to that same thing again, BUT what I do know is that my God is bigger and He gave me the strength to go and He protected me as I went.

So now, empowerment is what is keeping me going. I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me. CHRIST is the ONE who strengthens me! I'm still scared. At times I still want to go back, but I know that I will not because Christ lives in me and He knows better than to go back. I am made new through Him, which means, NO MORE OLD LIFE! I will feel my fear and do it anyways!

I haven't done perfect since then. In fact I've slipped once or twice, BUT I'm still doing it. I got back up after my slip and continued walking. One foot in front of the other. When I freeze in fear and stand still, contemplating whether to turn around and run or to keep walking forward, I will look to the Lord. My Abba Daddy will tell me what to do. I know He will gently place His hands around me and guide me forward. This first day of my internship has been tiring, but I've been taking care of myself and will continue to do so in these new situations because...

"I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME!"