Lonely

This is a poem I wrote the other day when I was feeling lonely at my apartment. I am working through this emotion and it is one of the hardest emotions for me to deal with; But I am walking through this with God and He continues to comfort me in my fear and loneliness.

Lonely

Loneliness,
The feeling I fear the most.
My chest is hurting,
My heart feels empty.
I cannot breathe.
I stare blankly at the walls.
Noise,
It surrounds me.
People,
Are everywhere;
Yet I still feel so lonely.
I feel empty.
My body tingles.
The skies darken
Inside my house
The walls are closing in.
I feel emotions when I’m alone.
It’s often the only time I feel.
Maybe this is why I am so afraid
Afraid to be alone,
Afraid to feel.
Another blank stare into empty,
I feel myself sink lower and lower
I want to die.
I talk to my babies
Pretend to be happy for them,
But loneliness still exists.
I could pick up the phone
But I have no one to call.
I could get on the computer
But all it would do is distract.
I cannot distract forever.
Why is this so hard?
I want to quit.
I hate this feeling.
I want to wake up,
From this nightmare.
I’ve created it myself
By choosing my eating disorder.
But maybe before then,
When I was friends with Whitney,
And chose only her.
No one else.
I passed up so many friendships.
I could have had friends,
But I made a decision
And now I must suffer.
I receive a text
From a friend far away
All of my friends
Live in the distance.
Is everyone else living their life?
Am I the only one who is feeling this lonely?
Should I suck it up?
But how?
The sun shines through the clouds.
Is this my chance?
My glimmer of hope?
Will I pass it up?
Waste it away?
Or embrace my opportunity?
I’m scared.
I feel fear in the pit of my stomach.
Like when you’re on a roller coaster
and your stomach drops.
It’s time to distract
And live another lonely
Miserable day.