Lies vs. Truth

Today we were asked during service to write three lies that we believe about ourselves and combat them with three truths from God. Here is what I learned...

LIE: I am dirty.
TRUTH: I have been washed clean by the blood of Jesus Christ.
"And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."
~1 Corinthians 6:11

LIE: I am worthless.
TRUTH: I have been made new and He sees me as Holy and blameless in His sight.
"For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be Holy and blameless in His sight." ~Ephesians 1:4

LIE: I am bad.
TRUTH: Though I have sinned, He has set me free through His death on the cross.
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."
~Romans 8: 1-2

Fear, Pride, and Shame

Why is asking for help like the hardest thing to do? Is it because our help (should) come from the Lord alone? Is it an issue of pride? Do we feel that we don't deserve it? What is it?

For me it is a combination of all of these things. First of all, I think if the Bible says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," then I have to do it alone with Christ. Secondly, I help others, they don't help me. Third, it will make me look bad, because I am suppossed to be perfect. Also, the problem I need help for is always probably my own fault so I should be able to get myself out. I've also used up all of my help in the past so I can't burden anyone else.

All of these thoughts flood my head when I recognize I a struggle in my life. And you know what they are? LIES!!! Lies from the enemy. Some of them were fed to me through past relationships and failures and insecurities. They are all lies that the enemy is using to keep me "stuck."

You see, "stuck" is where I remain when I can't ask for help. I try and I try. And I fail and I fail. I'm like Paul in Romans when he says, "For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing."

The feelings I have toward asking others for help directly relate to asking God for help. Funny how we can feel so intimidated by God and feel like we've somehow "used up" all the help we deserve from Him. I stand faithless and fearful before God in complete need of Him. Instead of shaking with fear I need to listen to the psalmist when they say, "Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of You, 'Seek His face!' Your face, Lord, I will seek. Do not hide Your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior."

And after my prayer I must let go and have the faith of the psalmist in Psalm 31:1-5 "In You, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in Your righteousness. Turn Your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since You are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of Your name lead and guide me. Free me from the trap that is set for me, for You are my refuge. Into Your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O Lord, the God of Truth."

And what will happen? Well Gods Word says in Psalm 34:4-6 "I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; He saved him out of all his troubles."

So instead of sitting here shaking in fear and shame, I will reach out to both God and others and seek the help that I am needing in my time of weakness. Goodbye pride, goodbye shame, goodbye fear. :)

Old Life? New Life? That is the Question...

So life's been tough lately...

A lot of transitions and fears. New experiences...which cause lots of anxiety for me. The other day I was wondering, "How did I deal with life before?" "How did I make it through this anxiety and come out on the other side okay?" And then I remembered...my old life. It was a little bit easier in some ways, but hell in others. It was a lonely place in which I had no cares about anyone other than Ed. I hated myself and others. I loved him though. He kept me safe. Or what I thought was safe.

Being completely honest right now, I'll admit, I wanted to go back the other day. I wanted that life again. I knew that my anxiety would immediately be relieved. I knew that I would sink into such a numb state that nothing would bother me. But instead, I chose another way. I chose the new way, not the old.

I was so scared about going to a church event because I would know no one and would have to meet new people. I mean seriously, how scary can people be? But in my mind at that time, it was the scariest thing ever. I bawled for about an hour as I thought about even the possibility of going. I texted a few friends and they encouraged me to go. One friend said, "sometimes facing your fear is better than just staying there and overthinking it." So I got up and got ready to leave. I was still crying and thinking, "How can I go to an event while I'm crying, this is awful." But I walked my butt out that door and got in the car.

I drove there and I did it. I went. I met a few new people, mostly freshman. I was scared out of my mind but I repeated in my head, "I am safe, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," over and over and over. It wasn't the most fun I've had in my life. I don't know if I'd choose to go to that same thing again, BUT what I do know is that my God is bigger and He gave me the strength to go and He protected me as I went.

So now, empowerment is what is keeping me going. I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me. CHRIST is the ONE who strengthens me! I'm still scared. At times I still want to go back, but I know that I will not because Christ lives in me and He knows better than to go back. I am made new through Him, which means, NO MORE OLD LIFE! I will feel my fear and do it anyways!

I haven't done perfect since then. In fact I've slipped once or twice, BUT I'm still doing it. I got back up after my slip and continued walking. One foot in front of the other. When I freeze in fear and stand still, contemplating whether to turn around and run or to keep walking forward, I will look to the Lord. My Abba Daddy will tell me what to do. I know He will gently place His hands around me and guide me forward. This first day of my internship has been tiring, but I've been taking care of myself and will continue to do so in these new situations because...

"I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME!"

Bucket List!

COMPLETED AN ITEM ON MY BUCKET LIST...SWIM ACROSS AN ENTIRE LAKE!!! YAY!!!

WEEDS

So, Wednesday Thursday and Friday I was at my sister's on the farm working. It was not easy work. I was pulling weeds, cob webbing stalls, riding horses, feeding horses, and moving fences. While I was weeding I had a lot of silent time by myself. It was really good for me.

I was thinking about how I was pulling all of these different types of weeds. There were some that were huge, but surprisingly easy to pull out of the ground. There were those that were huge and needed both my sister and my entire body weight to pull from the ground. There were those in rocky soil, which were easier to pull out. There were small ones that seemed almost impossible to pull. There were small ones with huge roots that spread wide and deep. These ones seemed to never end. Those were my favorites to pull. I felt so accomplished after pulling up such a small weed with the massive roots attached.

I remember before I left for MC having a conversation with my wonderful woman's pastor. She was using some analogy about weeds in a garden. Honestly, I was so sick I don't remember anything else that she said, but I was reminded of it as I was weeding this past week. She was discussing the consistency that one has to put into weeding their gardens in order to keep from becoming completely overwhelmed.

Before I went to MC my garden was covered in weeds. That's all there was. You couldn't even see the ground because there were so many weeds. They were entangled in each other and most of them were huge! It was going to take more than a little weed plucking to get most of them out.

I went to MC on March 10th and the team there began pulling. With their help, I was able to get a lot accomplished. We pulled many of the strong, deep weeds and my garden was looking so much better. There were still some little weeds, but the plan was for me to continue gardening when I returned home on July 6th.

I got home and I decided to take a break from all the weeding. I was so tired. Well, if you are like me, then you wouldn't know this as an avid gardener would, but weeds grow and spread very quickly. (Lesson Learned) In this time that I was "resting," more and more weeds were sprouting and the smaller ones continued to grow. It became a very messy garden again.

As I was pulling the weeds in Rensselaer I was thinking about the different types of "weeds" in my life. I have a lot of the weeds that appear small above ground, but have long, deep roots that seem to never end. These are things such as "busy-ness" "approval addiction" and "pride". These are the weeds I leave in my garden because I don't think that they will be that big of a deal. WRONG! These weeds intertwine with other weeds and make it even more difficult to pull them out. I need to continue working on these seemingly little weeds while I am working on pulling the giant, tough weeds from my garden.

The giant weeds that are currently living in my garden are "fear" "shame" "guilt" and "selfishness". I am using my resources and my support system to receive help to pull out these weeds. It may take all of our body weight to pull these out, but I know that it will feel so much better after they are gone.

I have plenty of other weeds in my life that are not mentioned above, but I will not unload ALL of my baggage in this post. ;)

Today I am reminded that every single day I need to be working on pulling out the weeds in my garden so that it does not become such a daunting, overwhelming task that I can't do on my own. I will look to the master "gardener" (My God) to teach me how to rid my garden of these draining weeds.

The Four Letter "F" Word

Again, I'm back up in Lafayette at my apartment. Again, feelings of loneliness and fear shock my body with a sting. My sister and I hung out and went to lunch which was really fun. I unpacked boxes and organized my apartment. Before I knew it, it was 4:45pm. I had to start thinking about dinner. All of the sudden I wasn't hungry anymore. I felt sick to my stomach. I didn't want to eat dinner. The feeling of the dreaded "F" word swept me off my feet. FEAR. It seeped through my entire being and I froze. What do I do? I know that I need to eat dinner, but I don't want to in this moment. I know the consequences of not eating but I guess I don't really know the consequences of actually eating and still feeling emotions. Fear of the unknown. But clearly the known hadn't been working so well for me. I texted a few people to express my feeling of not wanting to eat. My dear friend texted me back with a response that hit home. She said, "You might not want to, but you have to. Walk out your freedom." It hit me. Not eating equals imprisonment. Eating equals freedom. Which will I choose? Will I sit in my prison desperately trying to reattach my broken shackles? Or will I walk out my freedom? Tonight I am pleased to say that I chose to walk out my freedom. I walked out the door to the grocery and got food. I came home and cooked dinner and ate it. It wasn't easy, but I did it! I will have to continue to consciously choose freedom each and every meal until it becomes natural for me. I am walking out my freedom!
Psalm 23:4 "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
Isaiah 30:21 "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

A Different Kind of Numbness

So typically I try to numb myself from all negative emotions...but I've been feeling a lot of different emotions lately and it has been good practice for me. This numbness that I will discuss in this post is a different type of numbness, one that comes from several novocain shots. I arrive at the dentist at precisely 8:50 am. Mind you, I HATE the dentist with a passion. I am tense and already sweating as I walk in the door. I can hardly breathe. I have an Asian dentist and the dental assistants are also all Asian. To make things better, I can barely understand a word they say, so as they ask me to open my mouth and turn my head and I don't do it, they rip my head to the side and tear open my mouth. Haha! I am exhausted just from the anticipation of the whole experience. My actual dentist comes over and rubs some stuff in my mouth (I was confused because he normally doesn't do that.) My mouth begins to tingle. As he pulls the syringe out he says, "Okay so we are doing four fillings today." I open my mouth. All the while, I am thinking, "Hmm...I don't remember having any cavities, maybe before I went to MC and I was really out of it, I went to the dentist and told me I needed to get these done. He proceeds to give me six Novocain shots in my cheeks while saying, "You will feel a little pinch." Little pinch my butt! Those things hurt! Four on the left side and two on the right side. He gets a tool out and begins tapping on my molars. All of the sudden I see a look of concern come across his face. He says, "Shoot, I'm so terribly sorry I thought you were my other patient...you are just here for a cleaning. I thought the x-rays didn't match your teeth." I was shocked and still in quite a bit of pain. The numbness began to set in. I said I was okay as the dentist (quite embarrassed) slipped away and let the Asian dental assistant deal with me. She apologized several times in her Asian accent that I could barely understand. I told her it was okay and at least I wouldn't hurt during the cleaning. I tensed up and during the cleaning I was just praying that she wasn't going to like remove any teeth or accidently give me a root canal! Haha! I was sweating and my fists were clenched. She kept asking if I was alright and I tried to say yes, but how the heck do they expect you to talk when they have two hands and tools in your mouth. Then they gave me the flouride mouthwash. Well, when half your fricken face is numb it is very difficult to swish around that stuff. I think I swallowed half of it because I'm feeling very sick to my stomach. So after the flouride treatment the dentist comes back apologizing again like crazy. He looks around my mouth and taps on my teeth and gives a little scrape scrape for good measure. Come to find out, my teeth are perfect with no cavities...I finally finished and I recieved a prize pack of toothpaste and a new toothbrush in a little baggy. As quickly as I could, I got my purse, rescheduled for my next "cleaning" and ran out the door! Now by 2:00 pm the numbness is finally starting to go away. This happened only after I have bit my cheek and toungue several times. So needless to say, I still HATE the dentist. If they are going to make a mistake, I prefer them to give me laughing gas or at least something a little more fun like Vicodin. Haha!

Poem: Exposed

Here's one other I wrote while I was at MC. We had an intense group session before this and I confronted a lot of people that day. As many of you know, I hate confrontation, so this was a scary day for me!

“Exposed”

Exposed
I put it all out there.
Vulnerable
I finally let go.
Uncomfortable
Is where I am sitting.
Stuck
With no room to grow.

Anxious
About people’s responses.
Scared
That everyone’s mad.
Guilty
For telling the truth
After Giving
All that I had.

Pressured
To fix all this tension.
Tired
From speaking my mind.
Saddened
For hearts that are hurting.
Yearning
To be out of this bind.

Ashamed
For pointing a finger.
& Wanting
To run from this place.
But Willing
To speak out again,
While Hoping
To receive God’s sweet Grace.

Poem: Breathe In, Breathe Out

Here's a poem I wrote when I was at MC about the mask I wear...

Breathe In, Breathe Out

Breathe in, breathe out
Take down the wall
Breathe in, breathe out
Get ready to fall.
You sit there in silence,
Your thoughts racing inside
Alone in your head
With nowhere to hide.
Breathe in, breathe out
You’re starting to shake
Breathe in, breathe out
You’re going to break.
Hold it all in,
Don’t let yourself cry,
If you feel your emotion
You’re going to die.
You’re worthless, you’re ugly
You’re fat, and you’re mean,
You’re dirty and sinful
Your body’s unclean.
Breathe in, breathe out
Am I dreaming? You ask,
Breathe in, breathe out
Time to take off your mask.
It doesn’t feel safe,
So you put it back on,
You’re hoping this feeling
Will soon be gone.
Breathe in, breathe out
Put on your smile
Breathe in, breathe out
Just for a while.
Laugh and tell jokes
Your pain is not there
Use your sarcasm
And pretend not to care.
Breathe in, breathe out
Pull that mask tight
Breathe in, breathe out
Continue to fight.
When you’re all alone
As you lay your head down,
Release these emotions
But be sure not to drown.
Breathe in, breathe out
And as you awake,
Breathe in, breathe out
Don’t make a mistake,
The mask of protection,
Place it back on your face,
While knowing beneath it
You’re such a disgrace!

Our God is Greater!!!!!

I'm going to be posting some of my poems on here from a while ago, but this is one I also wrote the other night when I was battling negative thoughts. Tonight as I re-read it I listened to a song called Our God is Greater, by Chris Tomlin that really reminded me which voice I need to listen to in the long run. Also, I read some verses in my Bible that reminded me that God's great power will win out in the end and will heal all of me! :) I will rest in this Truth as I go to sleep tonight, because My God is greater, My God is stronger, My God is higher than any other!!!!!!!!!!

Here's the poem...

The Battle in my Head

“Do it perfect, do it right,”
The voice it screams so loud.
“Don’t screw up, do not fail,”
“Don’t disappoint the crowd.”
Faintly in the distance
I think I hear God say,
“You are my precious Princess,:
But then it fades away.
The louder voice shouts at me,
“You deserve much pain!”
This battle in my head,
It makes me go insane!
“Liann, you worthless baby,
You deserve to die,”
I hear the still small voice of God
Whisper, “that’s a lie.”
Which voice do I believe?
Which of these is right?
I cannot make a choice,
The end’s nowhere in sight.
“SHUT UP!” I yell, to both the voices
“Please give my mind a break!”
I’m pleading on my knees by now,
It’s more than I can take!
“Liann, you’re gross, you dirty whore,”
The loud voice yells at me,
The other voice responds to that,
“But I have set you free.”
I do not know which voice to pick
Will I ever know?
“Pick me, pick me…NO pick me!”
The voices do not slow.
It’s time to go to bed,
I lay down for the night,
Just to get a break
From this never ending fight.

Psalm 147:2-6
“The Lord builds up Jerusalem; He gathers the exiles of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; His understanding has no limit. The Lord sustains the humble but casts the wicked to the ground.”

“Into the darkness You shine, Out of the ashes we rise, there’s no one like You, none like You. Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God You are higher than any other, Our God is healer, Awesome in power, our God, our God! And if our God is for us then who could ever stop us, and if our God is with us then what could stand against?!” ~Our God is Greater by Chris Tomlin

Lonely

This is a poem I wrote the other day when I was feeling lonely at my apartment. I am working through this emotion and it is one of the hardest emotions for me to deal with; But I am walking through this with God and He continues to comfort me in my fear and loneliness.

Lonely

Loneliness,
The feeling I fear the most.
My chest is hurting,
My heart feels empty.
I cannot breathe.
I stare blankly at the walls.
Noise,
It surrounds me.
People,
Are everywhere;
Yet I still feel so lonely.
I feel empty.
My body tingles.
The skies darken
Inside my house
The walls are closing in.
I feel emotions when I’m alone.
It’s often the only time I feel.
Maybe this is why I am so afraid
Afraid to be alone,
Afraid to feel.
Another blank stare into empty,
I feel myself sink lower and lower
I want to die.
I talk to my babies
Pretend to be happy for them,
But loneliness still exists.
I could pick up the phone
But I have no one to call.
I could get on the computer
But all it would do is distract.
I cannot distract forever.
Why is this so hard?
I want to quit.
I hate this feeling.
I want to wake up,
From this nightmare.
I’ve created it myself
By choosing my eating disorder.
But maybe before then,
When I was friends with Whitney,
And chose only her.
No one else.
I passed up so many friendships.
I could have had friends,
But I made a decision
And now I must suffer.
I receive a text
From a friend far away
All of my friends
Live in the distance.
Is everyone else living their life?
Am I the only one who is feeling this lonely?
Should I suck it up?
But how?
The sun shines through the clouds.
Is this my chance?
My glimmer of hope?
Will I pass it up?
Waste it away?
Or embrace my opportunity?
I’m scared.
I feel fear in the pit of my stomach.
Like when you’re on a roller coaster
and your stomach drops.
It’s time to distract
And live another lonely
Miserable day.

Keeping Up

I don't know if I am smart enough to figure this out, but I figured I'd give it a try...so this will be my blog page. It's taken enough energy tonight just deciding to do it and creating it that I think I will end it here, but I will be posting sometime in the near future. That's all.