The Day I Grew Up

Here is a poem I wrote a while ago that is raw and real about my past and speaks up about what I have been through...

I remember that day
My innocence lost
No longer a child
It came with a cost
You took so much from me
During those painful days
I did not understand
As it passed in a haze
But now I remember
I remember so well
Now I am older
Now I can tell
I can speak for myself
I can give words to the story
All the things that you did to me
All gruesome and gory
You took off my clothes
You touched parts of me
You showed me things
No child should see
You kissed and you fondled me
Made me give you head
You made me feel dirty
By the things that you said
You told me not to tell
You silenced my voice
It’s been gone for too long
Now I will make my own choice
I choose to speak up
For my child self’s sake
To tell my whole story
For the world to take
This child you’ve scarred
Inside of me
This child you’ve wounded
Needs to be set free
I’m willing to learn
To weep and to cry
Over this loss
This death that I died
But I’ve been resurrected
Risen in Christ
He died on the cross
To pay the whole price
At this I will celebrate
My voice I will raise
I will sing all night long
As I give Him all praise

Victim vs. Victor

I've been living the past two and half years of my life as a victim. I am good at playing the part. In fact, I have reason to play the part. But maybe what God desires out of me is to be a victor, not a victim. Maybe God really is calling me to live my life in true freedom. In God's Word it says, "But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." I can claim victory through Christ! You see, as a victim I feel silenced and alone. But, the Truth says that I can speak with authority against the devil. As a victim, I manipulate God's Truth into lies. As a victim, I am shy and fearful of people. But as a victor, I can be confident, as I know that I am a child of the one true God. As a victor, I have the freedom to love people and allow them to love me. As a victim, I could only allow people to pity me and feel sorry for me. As a victor, I can open my heart to the joy that God is offering freely to me. As a victor, I can accept His mercy and grace. As a victor, I can admit to my sin and repent and confess. As a victor, I can learn patience and self-control. So, as I enter the new year (2012) I claim VICTORY in the name of Jesus Christ. I will stand up and fight the battle. I will stand firm on God's Truth. I will fight with the armor of God.

When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.” “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. --1 Corinthians 15:54-58

I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. --Luke 10:19

<3 always,
liann

Remember When Life Was Simple

Remember when it didn’t matter how much you weighed or what you wore or even what you did or said? I want to go back to those days. I hardly remember them. I know I had a good childhood. It may have been stolen from me prematurely, but before that time, it was good. I was innocent. Not broken like I am now. I was whole and confident and beautiful and radiant.

Back when I was innocent…I loved playing with my dolls.
Back when things were easy…I loved playing poor people and orphanage. (Little did I know I would one day become a social worker ;))
Back when it didn’t matter…I would dress as a tomboy, play sports, and get dirty.
Back when I had no fear…I had best friends that were boys.
Back when I was full of joy…I laughed uncontrollably at myself and others.
Back when I was brave…I took chances, even if it meant I might fail.
Back when I was confident…I would speak my mind assertively, in peace.
Back when I was pure…I would hug and kiss my parents without reserve.

Back when life was simple…I would cry, laugh, and sing like no one was listening.

I can't remember an exact moment that things changed; but they did. I stopped caring about others and cared more about myself. I started worrying about if I was 'cool.' I started planning what I would wear the night before. I started thinking about the words that were going to come out of my mouth and how they might be perceived. I believe this happened around 4th and 5th grade; at the time my innocence was stolen from me by an older boy. I started to hide my true emotions. I didn’t cry like I used to. I didn’t laugh like I used to. I didn’t sing like I used to. I started wishing that I didn't exist. I started to try to earn others' approval. I tried to lose weight; to lose myself; to lose my body; to disappear. I exercised to numb my pain. I aimed for perfection to earn my salvation. I lost myself.

Now, I'm more mature. I'm older. I'm not innocent anymore. In fact, I'm guilty on many accounts. I've failed over a million times. I'm self-conscious. I'm shy. I'm self-absorbed. I'm fearful. I'm ashamed. I'm unworthy and sinful. BUT you know what the good news in this whole story is? That's right!!!! THERE IS A SAVIOR! His Name is Jesus Christ. He has taken my sins, and fears, and guilt, and shame, and failures! He says that "I am set free from sin and have become a slave to righteousness." Where my sin increased, His Grace increased all the more! How blessed am I to get to call Jesus, not only my God or my Redeemer, but my Daddy, my Friend. Thank You Jesus for dying on the cross so that I don't have to bear the weight of my own sins. Thank You for freeing me. Thank You for Your Presence. Thank You for You! Please help me to believe Your Truth; the Truth that I am set free; the Truth that I am forgiven.

love always,

liann

Sing O Daughter of Zion!!!

depressed and lonely
hopeless and scared
i was beginning to think
that God didn't care
thoughts, thoughts
they run through my head
negative thoughts
of me being dead
i want to quit
to give up and die
as i sit in my bed
i'm wondering why?
why does this happen?
how do i get here?
my body's consumed
and frozen in fear.
in my strength alone
i can't put up a fight
only with God's
great power and might!
to those who are weary
to those who are broke
to those who are burdened
He's given his yoke
to Him be the glory
through the sadness and pain
in all of this darkness
let God's goodness reign
it's time to release and
trust God's helping hand
with God's power alone
will i be able to stand.
i lay down before You
my Savior, my King
i praise Your Great Name
as i've chosen to sing.

Reference Scriptures:
Zephaniah 3:14-20 14
Sing, Daughter Zion; shout aloud, Israel! Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, Daughter Jerusalem! 15 The LORD has taken away your punishment, he has turned back your enemy. The LORD, the King of Israel, is with you; never again will you fear any harm. 16 On that day they will say to Jerusalem, “Do not fear, Zion; do not let your hands hang limp. 17 The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”
18 “I will remove from you all who mourn over the loss of your appointed festivals, which is a burden and reproach for you. 19 At that time I will deal with all who oppressed you. I will rescue the lame; I will gather the exiles. I will give them praise and honor in every land where they have suffered shame. 20 At that time I will gather you; at that time I will bring you home. I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of the earth when I restore your fortunes[e] before your very eyes,” says the LORD.

Matthew 11:28
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.


I am choosing to sing, no matter how much it hurts. I will praise God through the pain.
After this prayer to God, I have realized that i am not 'feeling' better. i think that's what makes it so real. the fact that i'm not 'feeling' better. God doesn't want me to just 'feel' better. God wants me to 'know' HIM better. God wants me to grow deeper in relationship with Him and know His character better. He doesn't really care if it comes through pain, as long as I get the point. After speaking with Lea today, I am remembering that God is good. God is hope. God is love. God is strength and power. God always provides a way out of sin cycles. God is, was, and will be, GOD. Forever, regardless of how I perceive Him to be. This, I must remember in my times of doubt.

Contemplation

So, tonight as I sit here, I look back at all that I have accomplished over this past year. I look at all the strength it took for me to get to where I am today. I look at the pain that is still lingering to this day. I look at the lonliness that still exists. I wonder if the pain and lonliness will ever really go away? I look at the friends I've made over the last year. The friends I've 'lost.' The friends I've reconciled with. The ones who weren't really friends to begin with. It's tough. This thing they call life.

Each day I am faced with the decision to return to my 'old life.' The life that was not really a life at all. The life that was numb and void of all emotions. This weekend, I've spent a lot of time alone. It has made me question going back. It is a scary place to be. To be considering such a deadly decision, to return to my past. I wonder why it is this consideration even entered my head to begin with. I know that I've been lonely. I know that I've had terrible body image lately. I know that I've been working through some hard stuff. I know that God is really working on my heart. I guess it's probably the whole of all of those things. It makes me question whether the pain of being molded into who God created me to be is worth it or not? It hurts. God is poking and prodding at me. Pounding and scraping. Smoothing and forming. But when I ask myself that question of 'is it worth it?' I always answer with a 'YES.' I seem to know, under all the pain and uncomfortableness that it is certainly worth it in the end.

I guess knowing that this is all worth it, leads me to the conclusion that, no I will NOT go back to my old way of life...but it is still a huge fear in my mind. I guess if I could be so bold to ask, I would ask for prayer that God reminds me of the hell that my old life brought with it, and the joy that my new life will bring with it.

Lies vs. Truth

Today we were asked during service to write three lies that we believe about ourselves and combat them with three truths from God. Here is what I learned...

LIE: I am dirty.
TRUTH: I have been washed clean by the blood of Jesus Christ.
"And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."
~1 Corinthians 6:11

LIE: I am worthless.
TRUTH: I have been made new and He sees me as Holy and blameless in His sight.
"For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be Holy and blameless in His sight." ~Ephesians 1:4

LIE: I am bad.
TRUTH: Though I have sinned, He has set me free through His death on the cross.
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."
~Romans 8: 1-2

Fear, Pride, and Shame

Why is asking for help like the hardest thing to do? Is it because our help (should) come from the Lord alone? Is it an issue of pride? Do we feel that we don't deserve it? What is it?

For me it is a combination of all of these things. First of all, I think if the Bible says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," then I have to do it alone with Christ. Secondly, I help others, they don't help me. Third, it will make me look bad, because I am suppossed to be perfect. Also, the problem I need help for is always probably my own fault so I should be able to get myself out. I've also used up all of my help in the past so I can't burden anyone else.

All of these thoughts flood my head when I recognize I a struggle in my life. And you know what they are? LIES!!! Lies from the enemy. Some of them were fed to me through past relationships and failures and insecurities. They are all lies that the enemy is using to keep me "stuck."

You see, "stuck" is where I remain when I can't ask for help. I try and I try. And I fail and I fail. I'm like Paul in Romans when he says, "For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing."

The feelings I have toward asking others for help directly relate to asking God for help. Funny how we can feel so intimidated by God and feel like we've somehow "used up" all the help we deserve from Him. I stand faithless and fearful before God in complete need of Him. Instead of shaking with fear I need to listen to the psalmist when they say, "Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of You, 'Seek His face!' Your face, Lord, I will seek. Do not hide Your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior."

And after my prayer I must let go and have the faith of the psalmist in Psalm 31:1-5 "In You, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in Your righteousness. Turn Your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since You are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of Your name lead and guide me. Free me from the trap that is set for me, for You are my refuge. Into Your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O Lord, the God of Truth."

And what will happen? Well Gods Word says in Psalm 34:4-6 "I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; He saved him out of all his troubles."

So instead of sitting here shaking in fear and shame, I will reach out to both God and others and seek the help that I am needing in my time of weakness. Goodbye pride, goodbye shame, goodbye fear. :)