Contemplation

So, tonight as I sit here, I look back at all that I have accomplished over this past year. I look at all the strength it took for me to get to where I am today. I look at the pain that is still lingering to this day. I look at the lonliness that still exists. I wonder if the pain and lonliness will ever really go away? I look at the friends I've made over the last year. The friends I've 'lost.' The friends I've reconciled with. The ones who weren't really friends to begin with. It's tough. This thing they call life.

Each day I am faced with the decision to return to my 'old life.' The life that was not really a life at all. The life that was numb and void of all emotions. This weekend, I've spent a lot of time alone. It has made me question going back. It is a scary place to be. To be considering such a deadly decision, to return to my past. I wonder why it is this consideration even entered my head to begin with. I know that I've been lonely. I know that I've had terrible body image lately. I know that I've been working through some hard stuff. I know that God is really working on my heart. I guess it's probably the whole of all of those things. It makes me question whether the pain of being molded into who God created me to be is worth it or not? It hurts. God is poking and prodding at me. Pounding and scraping. Smoothing and forming. But when I ask myself that question of 'is it worth it?' I always answer with a 'YES.' I seem to know, under all the pain and uncomfortableness that it is certainly worth it in the end.

I guess knowing that this is all worth it, leads me to the conclusion that, no I will NOT go back to my old way of life...but it is still a huge fear in my mind. I guess if I could be so bold to ask, I would ask for prayer that God reminds me of the hell that my old life brought with it, and the joy that my new life will bring with it.

Lies vs. Truth

Today we were asked during service to write three lies that we believe about ourselves and combat them with three truths from God. Here is what I learned...

LIE: I am dirty.
TRUTH: I have been washed clean by the blood of Jesus Christ.
"And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."
~1 Corinthians 6:11

LIE: I am worthless.
TRUTH: I have been made new and He sees me as Holy and blameless in His sight.
"For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be Holy and blameless in His sight." ~Ephesians 1:4

LIE: I am bad.
TRUTH: Though I have sinned, He has set me free through His death on the cross.
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."
~Romans 8: 1-2

Fear, Pride, and Shame

Why is asking for help like the hardest thing to do? Is it because our help (should) come from the Lord alone? Is it an issue of pride? Do we feel that we don't deserve it? What is it?

For me it is a combination of all of these things. First of all, I think if the Bible says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," then I have to do it alone with Christ. Secondly, I help others, they don't help me. Third, it will make me look bad, because I am suppossed to be perfect. Also, the problem I need help for is always probably my own fault so I should be able to get myself out. I've also used up all of my help in the past so I can't burden anyone else.

All of these thoughts flood my head when I recognize I a struggle in my life. And you know what they are? LIES!!! Lies from the enemy. Some of them were fed to me through past relationships and failures and insecurities. They are all lies that the enemy is using to keep me "stuck."

You see, "stuck" is where I remain when I can't ask for help. I try and I try. And I fail and I fail. I'm like Paul in Romans when he says, "For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing."

The feelings I have toward asking others for help directly relate to asking God for help. Funny how we can feel so intimidated by God and feel like we've somehow "used up" all the help we deserve from Him. I stand faithless and fearful before God in complete need of Him. Instead of shaking with fear I need to listen to the psalmist when they say, "Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of You, 'Seek His face!' Your face, Lord, I will seek. Do not hide Your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior."

And after my prayer I must let go and have the faith of the psalmist in Psalm 31:1-5 "In You, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in Your righteousness. Turn Your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since You are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of Your name lead and guide me. Free me from the trap that is set for me, for You are my refuge. Into Your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O Lord, the God of Truth."

And what will happen? Well Gods Word says in Psalm 34:4-6 "I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; He saved him out of all his troubles."

So instead of sitting here shaking in fear and shame, I will reach out to both God and others and seek the help that I am needing in my time of weakness. Goodbye pride, goodbye shame, goodbye fear. :)

Old Life? New Life? That is the Question...

So life's been tough lately...

A lot of transitions and fears. New experiences...which cause lots of anxiety for me. The other day I was wondering, "How did I deal with life before?" "How did I make it through this anxiety and come out on the other side okay?" And then I remembered...my old life. It was a little bit easier in some ways, but hell in others. It was a lonely place in which I had no cares about anyone other than Ed. I hated myself and others. I loved him though. He kept me safe. Or what I thought was safe.

Being completely honest right now, I'll admit, I wanted to go back the other day. I wanted that life again. I knew that my anxiety would immediately be relieved. I knew that I would sink into such a numb state that nothing would bother me. But instead, I chose another way. I chose the new way, not the old.

I was so scared about going to a church event because I would know no one and would have to meet new people. I mean seriously, how scary can people be? But in my mind at that time, it was the scariest thing ever. I bawled for about an hour as I thought about even the possibility of going. I texted a few friends and they encouraged me to go. One friend said, "sometimes facing your fear is better than just staying there and overthinking it." So I got up and got ready to leave. I was still crying and thinking, "How can I go to an event while I'm crying, this is awful." But I walked my butt out that door and got in the car.

I drove there and I did it. I went. I met a few new people, mostly freshman. I was scared out of my mind but I repeated in my head, "I am safe, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," over and over and over. It wasn't the most fun I've had in my life. I don't know if I'd choose to go to that same thing again, BUT what I do know is that my God is bigger and He gave me the strength to go and He protected me as I went.

So now, empowerment is what is keeping me going. I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me. CHRIST is the ONE who strengthens me! I'm still scared. At times I still want to go back, but I know that I will not because Christ lives in me and He knows better than to go back. I am made new through Him, which means, NO MORE OLD LIFE! I will feel my fear and do it anyways!

I haven't done perfect since then. In fact I've slipped once or twice, BUT I'm still doing it. I got back up after my slip and continued walking. One foot in front of the other. When I freeze in fear and stand still, contemplating whether to turn around and run or to keep walking forward, I will look to the Lord. My Abba Daddy will tell me what to do. I know He will gently place His hands around me and guide me forward. This first day of my internship has been tiring, but I've been taking care of myself and will continue to do so in these new situations because...

"I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME!"

Bucket List!

COMPLETED AN ITEM ON MY BUCKET LIST...SWIM ACROSS AN ENTIRE LAKE!!! YAY!!!

WEEDS

So, Wednesday Thursday and Friday I was at my sister's on the farm working. It was not easy work. I was pulling weeds, cob webbing stalls, riding horses, feeding horses, and moving fences. While I was weeding I had a lot of silent time by myself. It was really good for me.

I was thinking about how I was pulling all of these different types of weeds. There were some that were huge, but surprisingly easy to pull out of the ground. There were those that were huge and needed both my sister and my entire body weight to pull from the ground. There were those in rocky soil, which were easier to pull out. There were small ones that seemed almost impossible to pull. There were small ones with huge roots that spread wide and deep. These ones seemed to never end. Those were my favorites to pull. I felt so accomplished after pulling up such a small weed with the massive roots attached.

I remember before I left for MC having a conversation with my wonderful woman's pastor. She was using some analogy about weeds in a garden. Honestly, I was so sick I don't remember anything else that she said, but I was reminded of it as I was weeding this past week. She was discussing the consistency that one has to put into weeding their gardens in order to keep from becoming completely overwhelmed.

Before I went to MC my garden was covered in weeds. That's all there was. You couldn't even see the ground because there were so many weeds. They were entangled in each other and most of them were huge! It was going to take more than a little weed plucking to get most of them out.

I went to MC on March 10th and the team there began pulling. With their help, I was able to get a lot accomplished. We pulled many of the strong, deep weeds and my garden was looking so much better. There were still some little weeds, but the plan was for me to continue gardening when I returned home on July 6th.

I got home and I decided to take a break from all the weeding. I was so tired. Well, if you are like me, then you wouldn't know this as an avid gardener would, but weeds grow and spread very quickly. (Lesson Learned) In this time that I was "resting," more and more weeds were sprouting and the smaller ones continued to grow. It became a very messy garden again.

As I was pulling the weeds in Rensselaer I was thinking about the different types of "weeds" in my life. I have a lot of the weeds that appear small above ground, but have long, deep roots that seem to never end. These are things such as "busy-ness" "approval addiction" and "pride". These are the weeds I leave in my garden because I don't think that they will be that big of a deal. WRONG! These weeds intertwine with other weeds and make it even more difficult to pull them out. I need to continue working on these seemingly little weeds while I am working on pulling the giant, tough weeds from my garden.

The giant weeds that are currently living in my garden are "fear" "shame" "guilt" and "selfishness". I am using my resources and my support system to receive help to pull out these weeds. It may take all of our body weight to pull these out, but I know that it will feel so much better after they are gone.

I have plenty of other weeds in my life that are not mentioned above, but I will not unload ALL of my baggage in this post. ;)

Today I am reminded that every single day I need to be working on pulling out the weeds in my garden so that it does not become such a daunting, overwhelming task that I can't do on my own. I will look to the master "gardener" (My God) to teach me how to rid my garden of these draining weeds.

The Four Letter "F" Word

Again, I'm back up in Lafayette at my apartment. Again, feelings of loneliness and fear shock my body with a sting. My sister and I hung out and went to lunch which was really fun. I unpacked boxes and organized my apartment. Before I knew it, it was 4:45pm. I had to start thinking about dinner. All of the sudden I wasn't hungry anymore. I felt sick to my stomach. I didn't want to eat dinner. The feeling of the dreaded "F" word swept me off my feet. FEAR. It seeped through my entire being and I froze. What do I do? I know that I need to eat dinner, but I don't want to in this moment. I know the consequences of not eating but I guess I don't really know the consequences of actually eating and still feeling emotions. Fear of the unknown. But clearly the known hadn't been working so well for me. I texted a few people to express my feeling of not wanting to eat. My dear friend texted me back with a response that hit home. She said, "You might not want to, but you have to. Walk out your freedom." It hit me. Not eating equals imprisonment. Eating equals freedom. Which will I choose? Will I sit in my prison desperately trying to reattach my broken shackles? Or will I walk out my freedom? Tonight I am pleased to say that I chose to walk out my freedom. I walked out the door to the grocery and got food. I came home and cooked dinner and ate it. It wasn't easy, but I did it! I will have to continue to consciously choose freedom each and every meal until it becomes natural for me. I am walking out my freedom!
Psalm 23:4 "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
Isaiah 30:21 "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."