TRIGGER WARNING!!!*** What Life Was Like

For Eating Disorder Awareness Month I wanted to share one of my past writings that will hopefully remind individuals who have struggled with an eating disorder of the hell it was and show individuals who don't know what it was like, what the experience is like. Please do not continue reading if you are currently struggling in your eating disorder or early in your recovery...this could be extremely triggering and unless you are in a good place, it will NOT be beneficial.

...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
When people say they wish they had an eating disorder, do they really wish for the hell that I suffered from? Do they really wish for the daily torture that I put myself through? If they really understood would they want the consequences that come along with the weight loss? When I say that I "want" to go back...to lose weight, or to numb out, do I REALLY want to choose such a demonizing existence?

Let's remember what it is like to live in an eating disordered world for a few minutes...

The hollowness of her eyes, the black holes that consume the once blue lit beauties. The frown that replaces the pearly white smile that used to warm others with its presence. Her collarbones are protruding from her chest like piercing arrows. Her skeletal features are haunting; the ghostly white and sheer thinness of her skin is sickening. Her head consumes her body. It's over-proportionate size is almost alien-esque. Her body is frail and worn. Her shoulders are hunched and her shoulder blades are like sharp razors ready to slice and attack any predator that presents any threat to her being. This flat-chested little girl has stringy arms that hang loosely by her side and seem to dangle much too long for her strangly body. Her elbows and hands seems clown like, they are so large. Her stomach is flat and her hip bones stick out from above her sweat pants that hang loosely from her body. You can number her chest bones above her breasts. Her knuckles and feet are reddened from lack of nutrients and her skin is graying. Her butt is non-existent, as it was hardly existent before, and you can see each knot on her back as she bends over, each bone, each vertebrae...

This is only the beginning...the appearance of an eating disorder...

Her day is consumed of busyness. Preparation and avoidance. Lying and fears. She sleeps horribly. For there is no sound sleeping with an eating disorder...she is starving and her body wakes her up frequently to remind her of the fact throughout the night, though she would never admit to it. She claims insomnia. She sleeps as long as possible and finally decides to get out of bed to get started on her morning routine. She slowly rises from bed, so as not to collapse or pass out. She takes a hot shower, though it can't get hot enough as she shivers from the extreme cold. She avoids all contact with her roommate so as not to trigger her as she gets dressed trying to wear clothes that will not reveal her body. She goes downstairs and gets her mountain dew. It is Monday morning. The fast starts on Sundays and lasts till Thursdays. She drinks diet mountain dew in the morning because it is citrus-y and wakes her up. Diet cokes are saved for the afternoon meals. She takes her meds with her diet mountain dew hoping she will not vomit them back up as she often does, while she walks the three flights of stairs to her class. She drives to school and walks to class. After class she is allowed her diet coke. Again it is a non-eating day. She has a schedule and she MUST stick to it! She does her homework and cleans obsessively, bleaching everything. She sits in her sun-room trying to warm up while doing some art work later in the afternoon. This schedule repeats itself until Thursday in which case she is allowed a turkey sandwich and an ensure for lunch. On Friday she is allowed one large meal out with friends. On Saturday she may have one large meal and one small meal. And Sunday, one medium sized meal until 3pm, and then she cannot eat again until lunch time on Thursday. The cycle continues week after week as she continues to kill herself.

DISCLAIMER:  This hell WILL cause rapid weight loss, but will also cause rapid brain loss, rapid friend loss, rapid family loss, rapid spiritual attacks, high anxiety, pain, tiredness, fainting, vomiting, sadness, isolation, depression, loss of job, school, or commitment, loss of leadership position and/or status, and loss of pride. Please proceed with extreme caution!

Then, the blue eyes filled with tears, many times over and the small mouth filled with food many times over. 100 pounds later...

The double chin and puffy red cheeks of a once normal sized beautiful tanned face. Long blonde hair trying to cover up the excess fat that exists but doesn't fool a single person. Flabby arms that wave while she moves her arms about trying to escape her painful existence. You cannot see a single bone in her body. Her breasts are large, with cleavage that is attractive to men and judged by women. She is considered obese. Her stomach is the biggest part of her. She feels inflexible most of the time. Full and fat. She still has a small butt, but her thighs and legs are much larger. She has extreme stretch marks from the rapid weight gain. She hides herself...she is indeed ashamed. She feels stuck and helpless most times. Scared to go back to the hollow-eyed frowner...but right now, even more scared of herself...

Her days are consumed loneliness, sadness, isolation, lies, manipulation, and hiding. These days are different than before. She hides just the same, and lies just the same. More food is consumed. More money is wasted. More drains are clogged. These days are much more inconsistent than before. There are days of restriction, bingeing, overeating, purging, and normal eating. Most days begin with overeating on sweets and go hay-wire from there. She eats out much too often and eats ice-cream almost daily. She hides her overeating and lies to herself about it. She thinks that she is protecting herself from an eating disorder, but the truth is, she has an eating disorder just the same. She isolates due to her uncomfortableness in her body. She is lonely and afraid.

DISCLAIMER:  This hell WILL cause inconsistency within your body and likely cause weight gain. Your body will learn not to trust you and it will take a long time for it to begin to trust you again...though it is possible!

THERE IS HOPE!!!!!!!

Currently...she is working on regaining her life. She is slowly trying to live a healthy life by LISTENING to her body. She gives it nutrition when it needs it, exercise when it wants it, and self-care often throughout the week. This is a long process and she is no where near the end, but she has hope because God is giving her the strength to care for the creation that He has created! (this is not done alone, but with the help of a dietician, 2 therapists, parents, sibling, mentors, and friends. also it has taken a lot of trauma therapy to get to where this is truly possible)

I AM SINGING OVER YOU

to

Okay, so this happened a little while ago, but I feel it is necessary to share. I was at church and Ruth Fitzpatrick from Bethel in California was speaking. She spoke of her supernatural healing from a disease called ME. One thing she said to me really stuck out...she said, "God didn't heal me because I read my Bible more, because I prayed more, because I sinned less, or even for me to share my testimony to the world...But God healed me because he loved me!" I couldn't believe that maybe God would want to heal me of my trauma issues and ED and past simply because HE LOVED ME! I always thought I went through what I went through in order to help others in their journey. That God would heal me in order to help others. But He revealed to me that night that He wanted to heal me because He loved me, not for any other purpose. WOW! So, I took a huge risk and went up for prayer at the end. Ruth prayed with me and I felt God's presence so immensely. I fell down to the floor to worship Him. She prayed and prophesied into my life and it was dead on. She spoke of me taking back my femininity and my crown and saying goodbye to the trauma and the ED. She then asked me how I felt and what I thought. The only thought that ran through my head was, "Okay I feel okay, but where was God during my sexual abuse as a child?" Ruth said, "let's ask Him." I was like, "oh, actually you have a long line of people waiting and I'm not really worth it..." But she said, "NO, WE ARE GOING TO ASK HIM!" So she says, "Papa God, where were you during Liann's abuse?" and I repeat, "Father God, where were you when I was being abused?" The strangest thing happened. I didn't hear an audible voice, but clearly in my heart I heard something. It was not what I expected, nor what I wanted to hear. Ruth asked what He said and at first I refused to tell her. Then I said I must be making it up because it didn't make any sense. Finally she convinced me to just share it regardless...God said to me, "I was singing over you." I thought this was incredibly cruel...why would the God of the universe be singing over me while I am being forced to give someone oral sex? Ruth said it made total sense, and that Jesus was speaking my identity over me. I agreed (because that is what you are supposed to do with people who are in leadership at church), and left feeling incredibly discouraged. I went to school the next day trying to forget it all and asked God again, where He was during the abuse. He kept saying over and over "I was singing over you, I was singing over you." It was an anthem that I couldn't get out of my head. He led me to Zephaniah 3 where I read the verse that says, "The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." But what I felt more inclined to read was after that verse...in verse 19 it says, "At that time I will deal with all who oppressed you: I will rescue the lame and gather those who have been scattered. I will give them praise and honor in every land where they were put to shame." I couldn't believe it, for the first time in my life, God was speaking JUSTICE into my past. I never felt like God would handle the justification of my abusers sins, but at this point in my life, after reading this, I really felt it! I was floored and amazed. Also a friend later reminded me that oftentimes spiritual warfare is not fought the way we fight in the physical realms. In the spiritual realm, they send angels and worship leaders ahead to worship to fight...God was fighting for me on a spiritual plain while I was fighting physically. I was amazed. God heard me and saw me and loved me. I wrote this poem as a reminder of what God has done in my life that very night.

If I could start over

If I could start over, I wouldn’t try so hard

If I could start over, I wouldn’t play the “sick card”

If I could start over, I would try to be me,

Instead of be someone I wasn’t meant to be.

I would play like the child God created inside

I would run into his arms, in His love I would abide.

I’d walk in the freedom He paved out for me,

I’d run down the path sharing in His victory.

I’d dance out of the chains that He loosed long ago

I’d flee from the prison, and I wouldn’t run slow.

Though I can’t turn back time, I can choose to release

The demons that hold me, and this horrible disease.

Goodbye to this illness, goodbye to all of this pain,

Goodbye to this guilt, goodbye to this shame.

Goodbye to the trauma, goodbye to this addiction,

Goodbye to the bingeing, goodbye to the restriction.

On November 11^th, I said my goodbye

Goodbye to it all, not another lie!

Hello to a future, Hello to my dreams

Celebrating life & that Jesus redeems

Over my life, He’s been singing His song

Rejoicing and fighting, He’s been there all along.

Even through sadness, pain, and abuse

He was singing His song and choosing to loose

The spiritual bondage that was holding me down

I take back my femininity, my beauty, and my crown!

For those of you who know me, I've always (since I was about 10 years old) said that I was going to die on 11/11...while this year I did...I died to my past life and suffering. I was reborn to my hopes and dreams. I didn't realize the date until the next day. :) God is so good and continuing to loose me from many things. I am in process of still taking back my femininity, but I feel like I have made huge strides with the help of Jesus! He is singing over me!!!!!

P.S. Heard the song "how sweet the sound" by citizen way, like two weeks later during a hard time and was totally encouraged. Lyrics say...

Yea, though I walk through the valley

I know that You are always right beside me
And I will fear no evil
You’re my rock and my strength
You comfort me

(Chorus)
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
I hear You singing over me
I once was lost but now I’m found
And it’s beautiful
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
It covers every part of me
My soul is silent, I am found
And it’s a beautiful sound
It’s a beautiful, beautiful sound

(Verse)
Carry me through the waters
Where Your peaks clears away all my sorrow
Nothing can separate us
From Your love, oh Your love
It will always be

(Chorus)
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
I hear You singing over me
I once was lost but now I’m found
And it’s beautiful
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
It covers every part of me
My soul is silent, I am found
And it’s a beautiful sound
It’s a beautiful, beautiful sound

(Bridge x2)
You were healing in the pain
You were shelter in the storm
Hallelujah, you restored my soul

(Chorus)
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
I hear You singing over me
I once was lost but now I’m found…
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
It covers every part of me
My soul is silent, I am found
And it’s a beautiful sound
A beautiful, beautiful sound

A beautiful, beautiful sound
(You were healing in the pain
You were shelter in the storm
Hallelujah, you restored my soul)
A beautiful, beautiful sound

It's More About Me Now

It’s More About Me Now

Liann Peragallo

So many tears fall

But just angry at one

I feel so used

And I feel so damn dumb.

Abandonment brings with it

shit from the past

It runs through my head

And it cycles so fast

I can’t determine the start

Or where it began

I just feel what I feel

And do what I can

I need to release it all now

And find what it’s about

I can’t hold it all in

I must let it all out!

The healthy ways

To feel and to cope

Will lead me to joy

And will lead me to hope.

It is not about you,

It is all about me,

I need to work through this

So please leave me be.

I need someone healthy

To be my friend

I need someone who listens

Who doesn’t pretend.

I need someone selfless

Someone that bears

Self-sufficiency confidently

And someone who cares.

The truth is that I love you

but as time passes by

we must find our own paths

and say our goodbyes.

The Day I Grew Up

Here is a poem I wrote a while ago that is raw and real about my past and speaks up about what I have been through...

I remember that day
My innocence lost
No longer a child
It came with a cost
You took so much from me
During those painful days
I did not understand
As it passed in a haze
But now I remember
I remember so well
Now I am older
Now I can tell
I can speak for myself
I can give words to the story
All the things that you did to me
All gruesome and gory
You took off my clothes
You touched parts of me
You showed me things
No child should see
You kissed and you fondled me
Made me give you head
You made me feel dirty
By the things that you said
You told me not to tell
You silenced my voice
It’s been gone for too long
Now I will make my own choice
I choose to speak up
For my child self’s sake
To tell my whole story
For the world to take
This child you’ve scarred
Inside of me
This child you’ve wounded
Needs to be set free
I’m willing to learn
To weep and to cry
Over this loss
This death that I died
But I’ve been resurrected
Risen in Christ
He died on the cross
To pay the whole price
At this I will celebrate
My voice I will raise
I will sing all night long
As I give Him all praise

Victim vs. Victor

I've been living the past two and half years of my life as a victim. I am good at playing the part. In fact, I have reason to play the part. But maybe what God desires out of me is to be a victor, not a victim. Maybe God really is calling me to live my life in true freedom. In God's Word it says, "But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." I can claim victory through Christ! You see, as a victim I feel silenced and alone. But, the Truth says that I can speak with authority against the devil. As a victim, I manipulate God's Truth into lies. As a victim, I am shy and fearful of people. But as a victor, I can be confident, as I know that I am a child of the one true God. As a victor, I have the freedom to love people and allow them to love me. As a victim, I could only allow people to pity me and feel sorry for me. As a victor, I can open my heart to the joy that God is offering freely to me. As a victor, I can accept His mercy and grace. As a victor, I can admit to my sin and repent and confess. As a victor, I can learn patience and self-control. So, as I enter the new year (2012) I claim VICTORY in the name of Jesus Christ. I will stand up and fight the battle. I will stand firm on God's Truth. I will fight with the armor of God.

When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.” “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. --1 Corinthians 15:54-58

I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. --Luke 10:19

<3 always,
liann

Remember When Life Was Simple

Remember when it didn’t matter how much you weighed or what you wore or even what you did or said? I want to go back to those days. I hardly remember them. I know I had a good childhood. It may have been stolen from me prematurely, but before that time, it was good. I was innocent. Not broken like I am now. I was whole and confident and beautiful and radiant.

Back when I was innocent…I loved playing with my dolls.
Back when things were easy…I loved playing poor people and orphanage. (Little did I know I would one day become a social worker ;))
Back when it didn’t matter…I would dress as a tomboy, play sports, and get dirty.
Back when I had no fear…I had best friends that were boys.
Back when I was full of joy…I laughed uncontrollably at myself and others.
Back when I was brave…I took chances, even if it meant I might fail.
Back when I was confident…I would speak my mind assertively, in peace.
Back when I was pure…I would hug and kiss my parents without reserve.

Back when life was simple…I would cry, laugh, and sing like no one was listening.

I can't remember an exact moment that things changed; but they did. I stopped caring about others and cared more about myself. I started worrying about if I was 'cool.' I started planning what I would wear the night before. I started thinking about the words that were going to come out of my mouth and how they might be perceived. I believe this happened around 4th and 5th grade; at the time my innocence was stolen from me by an older boy. I started to hide my true emotions. I didn’t cry like I used to. I didn’t laugh like I used to. I didn’t sing like I used to. I started wishing that I didn't exist. I started to try to earn others' approval. I tried to lose weight; to lose myself; to lose my body; to disappear. I exercised to numb my pain. I aimed for perfection to earn my salvation. I lost myself.

Now, I'm more mature. I'm older. I'm not innocent anymore. In fact, I'm guilty on many accounts. I've failed over a million times. I'm self-conscious. I'm shy. I'm self-absorbed. I'm fearful. I'm ashamed. I'm unworthy and sinful. BUT you know what the good news in this whole story is? That's right!!!! THERE IS A SAVIOR! His Name is Jesus Christ. He has taken my sins, and fears, and guilt, and shame, and failures! He says that "I am set free from sin and have become a slave to righteousness." Where my sin increased, His Grace increased all the more! How blessed am I to get to call Jesus, not only my God or my Redeemer, but my Daddy, my Friend. Thank You Jesus for dying on the cross so that I don't have to bear the weight of my own sins. Thank You for freeing me. Thank You for Your Presence. Thank You for You! Please help me to believe Your Truth; the Truth that I am set free; the Truth that I am forgiven.

love always,

liann

Sing O Daughter of Zion!!!

depressed and lonely
hopeless and scared
i was beginning to think
that God didn't care
thoughts, thoughts
they run through my head
negative thoughts
of me being dead
i want to quit
to give up and die
as i sit in my bed
i'm wondering why?
why does this happen?
how do i get here?
my body's consumed
and frozen in fear.
in my strength alone
i can't put up a fight
only with God's
great power and might!
to those who are weary
to those who are broke
to those who are burdened
He's given his yoke
to Him be the glory
through the sadness and pain
in all of this darkness
let God's goodness reign
it's time to release and
trust God's helping hand
with God's power alone
will i be able to stand.
i lay down before You
my Savior, my King
i praise Your Great Name
as i've chosen to sing.

Reference Scriptures:
Zephaniah 3:14-20 14
Sing, Daughter Zion; shout aloud, Israel! Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, Daughter Jerusalem! 15 The LORD has taken away your punishment, he has turned back your enemy. The LORD, the King of Israel, is with you; never again will you fear any harm. 16 On that day they will say to Jerusalem, “Do not fear, Zion; do not let your hands hang limp. 17 The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”
18 “I will remove from you all who mourn over the loss of your appointed festivals, which is a burden and reproach for you. 19 At that time I will deal with all who oppressed you. I will rescue the lame; I will gather the exiles. I will give them praise and honor in every land where they have suffered shame. 20 At that time I will gather you; at that time I will bring you home. I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of the earth when I restore your fortunes[e] before your very eyes,” says the LORD.

Matthew 11:28
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.


I am choosing to sing, no matter how much it hurts. I will praise God through the pain.
After this prayer to God, I have realized that i am not 'feeling' better. i think that's what makes it so real. the fact that i'm not 'feeling' better. God doesn't want me to just 'feel' better. God wants me to 'know' HIM better. God wants me to grow deeper in relationship with Him and know His character better. He doesn't really care if it comes through pain, as long as I get the point. After speaking with Lea today, I am remembering that God is good. God is hope. God is love. God is strength and power. God always provides a way out of sin cycles. God is, was, and will be, GOD. Forever, regardless of how I perceive Him to be. This, I must remember in my times of doubt.