New Poem...no title yet...

I can't think of a title for this new poem I wrote. Usually it is very simple for me to pick a title...but this one was more difficult for me. Anyways, here's what I wrote:

Confronting in love, while casting out fear;
Speaking the Truth for people to hear.
Hoping for freedom, and yearning for peace;
Prayers for the healing of every disease.
Disorders diminished, lame men can walk;
We are the broken, to Jesus we flock.
Knitted together, from the inside out;
An absence of pain, and an absence of doubt.
Faith is the place where we will find rest;
Letting Him hold us upon His sweet breast.
In safety we wait for fulfillment to start;
As God holds us close, very near to His heart.

"Dead Without God" (My Story)

“Dead without God”

A healthy child, growing through the years.

Climbing on the jungle gym, facing all her fears.

Swimming at the beach, eating all her meals,

Pretending with her friends, riding her big wheels.

Running at the park, trotting in the rain,

Didn’t know the future, didn’t feel much pain.

Until it happened…6 years of age, an event that prompted all.

9 and 10 years old…abuse that took so much. She put up her wall.

Her body suffered.

Her heart began to ache. Her spirit began to cry.

Her soul began to weep. Her being began to die.

At 11 years of age, her eating disorder began

She restricted all her food and exercised and ran.

She felt dirty and unworthy, held feelings on the inside,

She tried to disappear, avoided things and lied.

At 14 years of age, a God who understands,

Is introduced to her, a God who holds her hand

This agape love she felt, she’d never felt before

She felt Jesus on her heart and she opened up the door.

But still she fought the battle of feelings and of pain,

She suffered with the guilt of sadness and of shame.

Addiction and Restriction, almost took her life away,

Until she went to treatment and God gave her a chance to say,

“I need you and I surrender all this baggage, I give my fear”

She heard the still small voice of God whispering in her ear:

“You are blameless, you are whole, you are clean, you are pure,

You are my precious daughter, woman of strength of this I’m sure.”

At 19 years again abuse occurs, it reinforces, reinstates.

It burdens her. It deepens wounds. It pressures her. It manipulates.

She relapses and once again for all to see, she digs her grave.

But soon enough, she realizes the Father’s heart is there to save.

She gives control to the loving Father so He can mold her heart.

He softens it, replaces it, and gives her a new start.

As she walks out her journey to become the “one redeemed”

He helps her to remember the things that she has dreamed

She’s seeking her desires as He fulfills them one by one

Her God, He is a healing God who sent His only Son.

He is a God of justice, singing His songs over her,

He bore a lot on that cross so that she could endure,

The trials and the pain of a life lived on this earth

He wants her to feel the value of her complete worth.

She’s walking by His side right now as He holds her hand,

She’s celebrating victories and is taking back her land,

Sometimes she cries and struggles, but that doesn’t mean she’s done

All it means is sin is real but the battle will be won.

How God Sees Me (Love from God)

I was told by one of my friends to write how God views me after writing how I view myself through my own eyes through the lens of an eating disorder. After simply asking God to take control and letting my fingers type, this is what came out. I am in awe and amazed at how much the Lord of the Universe loves me and how easily I could hear from Him tonight! Thank You Jesus!!!!

About Liann...From: God

She is my child. My beautiful child. She is mine. I have her name written in my book. I created her beautifully, and beautiful is what she is. I do not make mistakes. I know she thinks she has failed, but her mistakes are not too big for my grace. I love her more than words can describe. She has made me proud. I have been singing my songs over her. I have redeemed her life. Physically, what I see when I look at my beautiful daughter is this:

Bright blue eyes, filled with compassion and wonder. A beautiful face that expresses emotion freely. Arms that are created to hug others. Hips created to hold children. Strong legs to endure the days I have created her to walk and run and skip here on earth. A midsection holding in all of her organs, so that they can function properly. Fingernails and toenails to decorate for fun and joy. A perfect height to one day fit perfectly in not only her loving husband’s arms but to fit in her loving Father’s arms, My arms, My hands. I breathed life into her being when she was young, and I will take it when she is old, and her body will one day decay…but I created a beautiful body for this earth in order for my child, Liann to function and enjoy.

When I see my daughter’s actions, this is what I see:

I see love. I see compassion. I see hard work and striving, though it is not necessary at times. I see a child, a woman, seeking after my heart. Sometimes I see anger, and sadness and pain, and jealousy and bitterness, and pride and sin. But beyond all of that I see righteousness. I see a bride. I see an attitude of kindness and a spirit of humility. I see my adoration. I see joy and peace. I see an overcomer. I see strength. I see MY CHILD, the one I created! I see her fully!

Liann, you are mine and I want you to know that I love you. Remember this when you are striving to please me. Remember this when you are striving for perfection. Remember this through your struggles and pain. You were created by me and there is no one, including yourself, that can lie to you and tell you that you are anything but beautiful. Listen to my words and hear me and remember that I see and hear you and know your heart’s desires and will fulfill them, because I am a good God, abounding in love and justice. I love you Liann.

TRIGGER WARNING!!!*** What Life Was Like

For Eating Disorder Awareness Month I wanted to share one of my past writings that will hopefully remind individuals who have struggled with an eating disorder of the hell it was and show individuals who don't know what it was like, what the experience is like. Please do not continue reading if you are currently struggling in your eating disorder or early in your recovery...this could be extremely triggering and unless you are in a good place, it will NOT be beneficial.

...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
When people say they wish they had an eating disorder, do they really wish for the hell that I suffered from? Do they really wish for the daily torture that I put myself through? If they really understood would they want the consequences that come along with the weight loss? When I say that I "want" to go back...to lose weight, or to numb out, do I REALLY want to choose such a demonizing existence?

Let's remember what it is like to live in an eating disordered world for a few minutes...

The hollowness of her eyes, the black holes that consume the once blue lit beauties. The frown that replaces the pearly white smile that used to warm others with its presence. Her collarbones are protruding from her chest like piercing arrows. Her skeletal features are haunting; the ghostly white and sheer thinness of her skin is sickening. Her head consumes her body. It's over-proportionate size is almost alien-esque. Her body is frail and worn. Her shoulders are hunched and her shoulder blades are like sharp razors ready to slice and attack any predator that presents any threat to her being. This flat-chested little girl has stringy arms that hang loosely by her side and seem to dangle much too long for her strangly body. Her elbows and hands seems clown like, they are so large. Her stomach is flat and her hip bones stick out from above her sweat pants that hang loosely from her body. You can number her chest bones above her breasts. Her knuckles and feet are reddened from lack of nutrients and her skin is graying. Her butt is non-existent, as it was hardly existent before, and you can see each knot on her back as she bends over, each bone, each vertebrae...

This is only the beginning...the appearance of an eating disorder...

Her day is consumed of busyness. Preparation and avoidance. Lying and fears. She sleeps horribly. For there is no sound sleeping with an eating disorder...she is starving and her body wakes her up frequently to remind her of the fact throughout the night, though she would never admit to it. She claims insomnia. She sleeps as long as possible and finally decides to get out of bed to get started on her morning routine. She slowly rises from bed, so as not to collapse or pass out. She takes a hot shower, though it can't get hot enough as she shivers from the extreme cold. She avoids all contact with her roommate so as not to trigger her as she gets dressed trying to wear clothes that will not reveal her body. She goes downstairs and gets her mountain dew. It is Monday morning. The fast starts on Sundays and lasts till Thursdays. She drinks diet mountain dew in the morning because it is citrus-y and wakes her up. Diet cokes are saved for the afternoon meals. She takes her meds with her diet mountain dew hoping she will not vomit them back up as she often does, while she walks the three flights of stairs to her class. She drives to school and walks to class. After class she is allowed her diet coke. Again it is a non-eating day. She has a schedule and she MUST stick to it! She does her homework and cleans obsessively, bleaching everything. She sits in her sun-room trying to warm up while doing some art work later in the afternoon. This schedule repeats itself until Thursday in which case she is allowed a turkey sandwich and an ensure for lunch. On Friday she is allowed one large meal out with friends. On Saturday she may have one large meal and one small meal. And Sunday, one medium sized meal until 3pm, and then she cannot eat again until lunch time on Thursday. The cycle continues week after week as she continues to kill herself.

DISCLAIMER:  This hell WILL cause rapid weight loss, but will also cause rapid brain loss, rapid friend loss, rapid family loss, rapid spiritual attacks, high anxiety, pain, tiredness, fainting, vomiting, sadness, isolation, depression, loss of job, school, or commitment, loss of leadership position and/or status, and loss of pride. Please proceed with extreme caution!

Then, the blue eyes filled with tears, many times over and the small mouth filled with food many times over. 100 pounds later...

The double chin and puffy red cheeks of a once normal sized beautiful tanned face. Long blonde hair trying to cover up the excess fat that exists but doesn't fool a single person. Flabby arms that wave while she moves her arms about trying to escape her painful existence. You cannot see a single bone in her body. Her breasts are large, with cleavage that is attractive to men and judged by women. She is considered obese. Her stomach is the biggest part of her. She feels inflexible most of the time. Full and fat. She still has a small butt, but her thighs and legs are much larger. She has extreme stretch marks from the rapid weight gain. She hides herself...she is indeed ashamed. She feels stuck and helpless most times. Scared to go back to the hollow-eyed frowner...but right now, even more scared of herself...

Her days are consumed loneliness, sadness, isolation, lies, manipulation, and hiding. These days are different than before. She hides just the same, and lies just the same. More food is consumed. More money is wasted. More drains are clogged. These days are much more inconsistent than before. There are days of restriction, bingeing, overeating, purging, and normal eating. Most days begin with overeating on sweets and go hay-wire from there. She eats out much too often and eats ice-cream almost daily. She hides her overeating and lies to herself about it. She thinks that she is protecting herself from an eating disorder, but the truth is, she has an eating disorder just the same. She isolates due to her uncomfortableness in her body. She is lonely and afraid.

DISCLAIMER:  This hell WILL cause inconsistency within your body and likely cause weight gain. Your body will learn not to trust you and it will take a long time for it to begin to trust you again...though it is possible!

THERE IS HOPE!!!!!!!

Currently...she is working on regaining her life. She is slowly trying to live a healthy life by LISTENING to her body. She gives it nutrition when it needs it, exercise when it wants it, and self-care often throughout the week. This is a long process and she is no where near the end, but she has hope because God is giving her the strength to care for the creation that He has created! (this is not done alone, but with the help of a dietician, 2 therapists, parents, sibling, mentors, and friends. also it has taken a lot of trauma therapy to get to where this is truly possible)

I AM SINGING OVER YOU

to

Okay, so this happened a little while ago, but I feel it is necessary to share. I was at church and Ruth Fitzpatrick from Bethel in California was speaking. She spoke of her supernatural healing from a disease called ME. One thing she said to me really stuck out...she said, "God didn't heal me because I read my Bible more, because I prayed more, because I sinned less, or even for me to share my testimony to the world...But God healed me because he loved me!" I couldn't believe that maybe God would want to heal me of my trauma issues and ED and past simply because HE LOVED ME! I always thought I went through what I went through in order to help others in their journey. That God would heal me in order to help others. But He revealed to me that night that He wanted to heal me because He loved me, not for any other purpose. WOW! So, I took a huge risk and went up for prayer at the end. Ruth prayed with me and I felt God's presence so immensely. I fell down to the floor to worship Him. She prayed and prophesied into my life and it was dead on. She spoke of me taking back my femininity and my crown and saying goodbye to the trauma and the ED. She then asked me how I felt and what I thought. The only thought that ran through my head was, "Okay I feel okay, but where was God during my sexual abuse as a child?" Ruth said, "let's ask Him." I was like, "oh, actually you have a long line of people waiting and I'm not really worth it..." But she said, "NO, WE ARE GOING TO ASK HIM!" So she says, "Papa God, where were you during Liann's abuse?" and I repeat, "Father God, where were you when I was being abused?" The strangest thing happened. I didn't hear an audible voice, but clearly in my heart I heard something. It was not what I expected, nor what I wanted to hear. Ruth asked what He said and at first I refused to tell her. Then I said I must be making it up because it didn't make any sense. Finally she convinced me to just share it regardless...God said to me, "I was singing over you." I thought this was incredibly cruel...why would the God of the universe be singing over me while I am being forced to give someone oral sex? Ruth said it made total sense, and that Jesus was speaking my identity over me. I agreed (because that is what you are supposed to do with people who are in leadership at church), and left feeling incredibly discouraged. I went to school the next day trying to forget it all and asked God again, where He was during the abuse. He kept saying over and over "I was singing over you, I was singing over you." It was an anthem that I couldn't get out of my head. He led me to Zephaniah 3 where I read the verse that says, "The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." But what I felt more inclined to read was after that verse...in verse 19 it says, "At that time I will deal with all who oppressed you: I will rescue the lame and gather those who have been scattered. I will give them praise and honor in every land where they were put to shame." I couldn't believe it, for the first time in my life, God was speaking JUSTICE into my past. I never felt like God would handle the justification of my abusers sins, but at this point in my life, after reading this, I really felt it! I was floored and amazed. Also a friend later reminded me that oftentimes spiritual warfare is not fought the way we fight in the physical realms. In the spiritual realm, they send angels and worship leaders ahead to worship to fight...God was fighting for me on a spiritual plain while I was fighting physically. I was amazed. God heard me and saw me and loved me. I wrote this poem as a reminder of what God has done in my life that very night.

If I could start over

If I could start over, I wouldn’t try so hard

If I could start over, I wouldn’t play the “sick card”

If I could start over, I would try to be me,

Instead of be someone I wasn’t meant to be.

I would play like the child God created inside

I would run into his arms, in His love I would abide.

I’d walk in the freedom He paved out for me,

I’d run down the path sharing in His victory.

I’d dance out of the chains that He loosed long ago

I’d flee from the prison, and I wouldn’t run slow.

Though I can’t turn back time, I can choose to release

The demons that hold me, and this horrible disease.

Goodbye to this illness, goodbye to all of this pain,

Goodbye to this guilt, goodbye to this shame.

Goodbye to the trauma, goodbye to this addiction,

Goodbye to the bingeing, goodbye to the restriction.

On November 11^th, I said my goodbye

Goodbye to it all, not another lie!

Hello to a future, Hello to my dreams

Celebrating life & that Jesus redeems

Over my life, He’s been singing His song

Rejoicing and fighting, He’s been there all along.

Even through sadness, pain, and abuse

He was singing His song and choosing to loose

The spiritual bondage that was holding me down

I take back my femininity, my beauty, and my crown!

For those of you who know me, I've always (since I was about 10 years old) said that I was going to die on 11/11...while this year I did...I died to my past life and suffering. I was reborn to my hopes and dreams. I didn't realize the date until the next day. :) God is so good and continuing to loose me from many things. I am in process of still taking back my femininity, but I feel like I have made huge strides with the help of Jesus! He is singing over me!!!!!

P.S. Heard the song "how sweet the sound" by citizen way, like two weeks later during a hard time and was totally encouraged. Lyrics say...

Yea, though I walk through the valley

I know that You are always right beside me
And I will fear no evil
You’re my rock and my strength
You comfort me

(Chorus)
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
I hear You singing over me
I once was lost but now I’m found
And it’s beautiful
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
It covers every part of me
My soul is silent, I am found
And it’s a beautiful sound
It’s a beautiful, beautiful sound

(Verse)
Carry me through the waters
Where Your peaks clears away all my sorrow
Nothing can separate us
From Your love, oh Your love
It will always be

(Chorus)
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
I hear You singing over me
I once was lost but now I’m found
And it’s beautiful
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
It covers every part of me
My soul is silent, I am found
And it’s a beautiful sound
It’s a beautiful, beautiful sound

(Bridge x2)
You were healing in the pain
You were shelter in the storm
Hallelujah, you restored my soul

(Chorus)
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
I hear You singing over me
I once was lost but now I’m found…
Amazing grace how sweet the sound
It covers every part of me
My soul is silent, I am found
And it’s a beautiful sound
A beautiful, beautiful sound

A beautiful, beautiful sound
(You were healing in the pain
You were shelter in the storm
Hallelujah, you restored my soul)
A beautiful, beautiful sound